Scream

I awaken in the dark of the night screaming, screaming loudly though no one hears
Hears the loneliness I feel
Feeling as desolate as the Gobi desert.

I have friends but only in name
We know each other by face but never do we know each other’s last name
I am unable to call on them when I need them
Unable to call on them when my life is spinning out of control
Unable to cal on them when the darkness falls

I have a large family but am forever alone in this world
Alone in this life
Alone in this space
Surrounded by many who profess love for me but they can’t tell you why they do

I feel manipulated like a marionette
I dance at the beckon of my masters, move when they pull my strings
I am prostituted out to the bidding of those who control me
Never questioning
Just doing

So I argue silently with myself but never give voice to the words
Never breathe them into life
I kill them before they are born
Kill them so that I never have to explain them
Defend them

The fish in his bowl
The hamster on his wheel
Even the rat in his maze
I envy them for they have a purpose in life
A reason to be happy
A reason to live

Tell me, how do I escape the dark?
How do I bring light into this dark world of mine?
How do I unlock doors that have been welded shut?
How can I cry when my tear ducts have dried up from non-use?

I can only go on living
Existing
For I am afraid to die but living in this lonely world is not truly living
Waiting for someone
Anyone,
To show me what I can do to feel less alone
but until then I can only continue to scream in the dark
scream though no one hears
or
cares

The Lie

She sits patiently by the window
Staring off into nowhere
You see, she is looking for her prince
She has been fed the fantasy from childhood that her prince is out there
That he will come to her on a white horse and carry her away to the land of happily ever after
Make her his queen
But what she doesn’t realize is that there is not a prince out there looking for her
He is but a figment of a writer’s imagination, a tale to be repeated to little girls
And life is not a fairy tale, the prince but a metaphor for escape from the hell of reality
Believing the lie that if she waits patiently for him to come
She has fallen into a catharsis of fear
Fear of being strong
Fear of being alone
The reality is that no one is going to walk up to her door, knock and say
“Hi, I am your prince and I am here to take you away”
No, what will really happen is that if she remains in that window she will remain alone
Alone in a world where a woman is defined by her ability to procreate
Procreate the next generation and if she doesn’t that her life will be considered a waste
Well, you have heard the lie; let me tell you the truth
To be loved, you have to love yourself
To find love you have to live
And to live you must leave the comfort of the window

Regrets

Regrets
yes, I have regrets
I regret the day we met
that we sat there and talked for hours
that we clicked on a level that I had never experienced before then

I regret that after that I gave you my number and said
“call me anytime you need me”
because you did
you called me to talk about your man
to tell me how he treated you bad
to tell me how you wish he was more like me

you would call me to come get you when he hurt you
call me to take you to him when he pleaded for another chance
call me just to have me come over to talk

Now that's I what I really regret
I regret sitting there as you walked into the room in little more then a tshirt
oozing sexiness and sensuality that intoxicated and captivated me
hypnotized me until the moment you spoke and said
I love him
why can’t he treat me right?
treat me like you treat me?

and all I could do was stutter
try to come up with something that would sooth you pain
while at the same time increase mine
tell you what you needed to hear
sometimes add in alittle of what you didn’t want to hear but need to hear again
about how could you le him treat you so bad and then come back time and again
about how you were wasting your time on a man that didn’t reciprocate your feeling

while in that back of my mind I was dying to scream
leave him, come to me
I would treat you like a Queen
treat you the way a man should treat a woman
tell you that I would never hurt you
never leave you
never make you cry

and as I was about to work my way up to voicing my feelings
you turned to me
smiled that smile that I have seen a thousand times and said
“I am so glad that we are friends
you are like a brother to me
I wish he was more like you”
Then you told be that you were pregnant with his baby
that y’all were moving in together
I knew in my mind that it was the worst thing that you could do
but I couldn’t bring myself to voice it
you were so happy

now it has been a few years
hadn’t heard from you for awhile until you called me today
we talked like it had been just last week
then you told me that you and him had broken up
that he left after the baby was born
and as my heart raced and my mind thought this may finally be my chance
you said that you had hopes that he would come back
come back to you and the baby
and as my heart sank
I thought for the umpteenth time
that I regret that I am not
him

Winter in America

It’s winter in America and
The days are dreary and the nights are long
So long that we seem to be in a never-ending nightmare except that we are all awake
Awake to see daily images that defy explanation
Troubling images of unwed mothers and babies starving
Troubling images of people dying or barely surviving

It’s winter in America and
The cold winds are blowing us into the abyss
An abyss full of unfulfilled dreams, unfulfilled potential
An abyss where broken promises and shattered dreams litter the landscape
Where warm hearts have grown cold and cold hearts have frozen over

It’s winter in America and
Demons walk the streets unafraid
Where there is a solitary burning Bush spouting the same old tired lies
Never hearing the cries for help, for change
A change that was promised
But never came

It’s winter in America and
The sun is setting fast
There is hope for Spring and again the promise of change
But if this time we don't get it right
We will be in a forever in a night
A night that never ends
Where it will forever be
Winter in America

Flowers

Hold tight to those you hold dear.
Give them their flowers today for tomorrow is not promised to anyone.
Don’t say “I will do it tomorrow”.
For tomorrow may be too late.

Do not fear that they will think you’re a softy or overly sentimental.
I would argue that it is better to be thought as a softy then to live your life wishing you had said what was in your heart
.
Each time I depart the presence of friend or family I tell them bye and hug them for I do not want to regret saying what is in my heart if it truly was the last time we would see each other.

Each of us has regrets.
Let not one be that you did not get to tell someone dear what you felt
when you had the chance.
Let not a moment of pause turn to an eternity of regret.

I have experienced this way more then I want to admit and still struggle with learning this hard lesson.
Many people I know have passed and all I am left with is the memories.
Memories of the past,
Memories of the laughter,
Memories of the pain,
The pain of loss, the pain of regret for words or deeds unsaid or undone.

No one knows the time or date that they will be called
so it is incumbent on each to live each day as if it was our last.
And remember those who have departed this world for the good they brought into it.

Why we Fight!!

We fight because 40 years after Kings had a dream and was shot.
We are not much closer to being equal.
We fight because the overt racism of the 60’s
has changed to the covert racism of 08.
We fight because the kids of today
have forgotten or do not know of the struggles of yesteryear
We fight because some mistakenly think that we have arrived
and no longer need to fight.
We fight because we want our kids to be able to
date whomever they want, wherever they want.

My 4 Cornered Room

I sit in this for cornered rom. No doors or windows.
Trapped in this nightmare called life.
A reality that never changes. Never gets better but always gets worse.
The desolation of my soul reflects the life that I have lived.
Dead feelings buried inside of a man with too much pride. Long ago they died.
The Lord says pride comes before the fall but how far do I have to fall before I see the bottom?
The bottom of this dark chasm called my soul that lets in no light and snuffs out all happiness.
Happiness is a luxury for others to experience.
Sadness and despair that this life is barely tolerable is my fate.

Thoughts that have no voice scream to be released.
They scream from the recesses of my mind to be given birth but to no avail.
Feelings and opinions that have gone unfelt or unspoken no longer exist.
Years of them being relegated to insignifcance to accommodate the needs of others
causing them to wither and die.
Their death has caused me to be unable to open up to others.
Open up and tell how I feel or what I want or need.
Needs. I no longer know what they are.

Slipping into Darkness

I look into my soul and all I see is darkness
A creeping darkness that is slowly destroying all light
Destroying all that is good
Anger is a constant companion in a life that is spinning out of control
Each day I have to fight to keep from being totally consumed
Consumed with darkness
Consumed with anger
Consumed with a rage that is slowly taking over
Where can I look for salvation?
What must I do to be saved from this fate?

I look back into my past
Hoping to find where the source of this darkness lies
I find that it lies in the actions that were laid upon me in my youth
Actions that singly may not have caused the darkness to come but
In totality have made a warm heart cold
Causing me to wear a mask that is tattered from constant use
But I can’t show the real me
Never let down the mask because to open up will be considered a sign of weakness
A weakness I can never show
Never acknowledge that it may even exist

Each day I rise and I realize that the fight is with myself and
Though I am not by myself, will need one stronger then I to survive
But since knowing is only half the battle, I must find the strength to take the first step
Step into uncharted territory where I have no control
Where I must admit that I have weaknesses
Have faults
Have needs
Can I take that step?
I don’t know
But I know I must defeat this rising darkness or be forever
Cold!!

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